I used to have curls.

Then they got chopped off.

And never grew back.

I miss my curls. ):

*

It's barely 10pm, and I'm drained.



Where did the lively kid with curls go?

Did I drop her off at some expressway cause I was annoyed?



Where did the innocent little girl go to?

Did I push her out of the way because she became a lil' too boring?


Where did the carefree little girl go to?

Did I forget about her as I became too busy?





Is this what we'll all eventually fall in to?
Hmmm. Just wondering...

This ULTIMATELY sucks.

.
.
.
.

Okay. Not the best way to start a post but... whatever.

In the past hour, I've been sighing non-stop to myself.

Sigh.

...

There, it just happened again.



Many times, I open up my browser and log onto blogger, open up a new post and...

... sit in front of a screen, mind totally blank like an idiot.

Most times, the most I ever got to was to type a few lines, then shut the entire screen out of exasperation.
Since my mind's already in a blank, what am I really trying to do? Make my fingers churn out words of their own?
Sigh.

Even after reading all those dumb ahlian-ahbeng type blogs until my eyes have bled themselves dry and z,x,c,s etc. have swam in and out of posts...

... Zippo. Nothing.
Sigh.

School's been a real drain lately.

.
.
.
Even WITHOUT CCA.
Next week CCA'll resume, and, I get so worn out just thinking about it.

Oh, I remember I had this conversation with Esther yesterday.
Nothing much, just a short one cause we were both trying to complete as much homework as possible in school.
Okay, so this. I was sitting beside Esther, comparing our school diaries, in which we write all our homework, projects due and tests and all that school sheezx.
I flip through past pages, and see everything packed to the brim on certain weeks. I remember last term's 5th or 6th week or something, one that most of us termed as Hell Week.
Then, I flipped over to the 3rd week of this term, A.K.A. this week.

It was almost exactly the same.

I filp a few more pages down to see where our latest test/quiz will end.
It'll be 2 weeks down the road.

So, I commented to Esther, "Hey, we're packed 'till August."

She looked at me incredulously. And then I realised what I had just said.
Freaking packed 'till August.

And maybe more will come up soon. Sigh.

Anyway, what I really mean to say is that...

... yeah. I won't be posting as much as I used to already. No more everyday everyday happy happy wanna post then post type of thing.

Reason's because,

-I'm in desperate need of time.
No time to do ANYTHING at all. 'Cept homework, that is.

-I don't really feel like blogging at times.
Usually because, whatever in my head is in all of a mess and I'm so confused/perplexed by all of it that, ARGH DAMMIT I really can't give a damn anymore, so what's the use of trying to put it in words?

I'm not in one of my most perfect moods right now. If you didn't see it until here then, well go kick yourself in the arse.

I might blog if the fancy takes hold of me, but for now, don't expect too much.

And also, I need time to sort out stuffs.
Stuffs that have been put on hold for far too long.
Stuffs that require immediate action.
And, stuffs that are really hogging up my head right now.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. I seem to have grown a sudden taste for the word stupid.
Stupid, stupid. Use it to describe everything you don't like, hahahah.


.
.
.

D'you know that feeling?
Y'know. The feeling that...
... you were once THIS close to THAT some person.
And now you can even walk past THAT some person without the two of you avoiding eyes.

Stupid, stupid.
I don't like it. Especially when.
Stupid. Totally oblivious.
Either that, or on purpose.

I don't want to care already lah! Take up too much of my time.
People don't want to think okay. People wants to sleep.
People don't know why she refers to herself as 'People'.
but People don't care already lah! People already said before.
People don't need to care about things that don't want People to care about.

.
.
.
.

One of the first signs of insanity is to talk about yourself in the third person point of view.

.
.
.
.




Blog will be on temporary hiatus.






*P. S. If you see me going WON-WON nowadays.... well then. I just watched Harry Potter. (:

I stop to catch my breath
And I stop to catch your eye
No need to second-guess
That you've been on my mind
well I dream days away, but that's okay

It's like I want to hear a silent sound
And then hold it in my hand
But a rose won't blossom from a ground
Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that

One day I'll turn around, I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yea yea yea
But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile
Just maybe you'd save me now
I'm only foolin myself, yea yea yea
I'm only foolin myself.

Well, now it's etched in stone
That I can't survive alone
You have the missing piece
That I need so desperately
Yes, I slip away to a day that'll never come

It's like a splash of water to my face
When I suddenly realize
That you could never find a place
For me in your eyes, and I don't know why I keep thinking...

-Only Fooling Myself
Kate Voegele

*

Hey dear all! (:

How have the weekends been for you all?

Mine were particularly well-behaved... HAHAHA.

There were loads of things in my head that I wanted to blog about over the course of the past few days, but you know. gen, being gen, she completely forgot about everything.
I guess we can only just hope that she'll remember bits and pieces of it as we read through her post, eh?

But anyway, I don't know if you guys wanna hear about my day, but here goes anyway.

I CUT MY HAIR YESTERDAY.

*does a happy dance*

I've been EXTREMELY TIRED of my stupid long fringe ever since... I grew a fringe. Roar.
Stupid, kept on falling into my eyes, into my line of vision, into stupid SWS's line of vision.
Everytime come call me up for stupid fringe. Ugh.

NOWWWW....
It's fantastic. I still have a fringe, but it's shorter! And thinner, not like that stupid thick lock of front face hair. DOUBLE UGH.
The back is trimmed into layers, and it looked so damn cool after the haircut.
NOW DON'T NEEDA TIE HAIR! :D

Annoying cousin calles me Fuji-Senpai now.

Anyway, that point aside.
With my new cut, I CAN TOTALLY LOOK LIKE AN ANIME CHARACTER OKAY HAHAHAHA.
Honestly! With a lil' bit of hairwax, and working my hair into anime-like hair strips, poof!
HEEHEE.

Thenafter, went to Cheryl Lit's house for... okay I don't know what to call it. A get-together?
Awwmann. If you guys haven't heard, cheryl lit transferred to MGS after the June Holidays.
Apparently she wants to take the O levels first cause she's gonna go to Australia, sometime later.

I wanna go Australia toooooo. ):

Played tennis with Angela, Charlene, Cheryl Lit and Mabes!
Shit no, I can't forgive myself when I thought I'd forgotten how it was like to play class games with you guys.
I LOVE PLAYING WITH YOU ALL.
It's fantastic how I can be myself around you guys. Unlike most other groups of people where, I shudder at the thought.

Not played tennis in ages. Muahahaha. I think I became super horrible, lol.

After tennis, went back upstairs to let cheryl open her presents.
HAHAHAH COOL. I love those headsets! I want them tooooo!
The super gigantic one, with built in micro-phone. Can you believe awesome?

Cherie, Sharmila, Joelle and Narmadha came at about 4pm.
Had a few games of catching (HEEHEE) before going back upstairs to stuff our faces silly with cheryl's wonderful cake-baking skills, orea, panda biscuis, drinks and pizza that came at about 6.30. Yumm.

We all watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging again. HAHAH FUNNY ALL OVER AGAIN. :D
Oh, and cheryl's little sister Chelsea was there watching too. I wonder how she took the making out part, whoops. And there were explicit scenes of thongs and push-up bras.
Oh-oh, maybe we shouldn't have let her watch it hahaha.

Had a really wonderful day, then went back with Angela and Sharmila.
Poor me, cause I wanted a window seat to sleep against, went all the way to the back of the bus, where you all know is a total bitch to sleep against. Dumb choice.

And guess what?

Throughout my entire trip back home, I was so conveniently sitting behind a couple practically making out.
GROSS MUCH. WHO MAKES OUT ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT?

It's not fair. Other people always get it better.
Stupid, everytime I see couples cuddling on the bus, it just gives me the shivers.
Then I remember when I once took a bus back from waaaay out in the East back home, a 2-hour-plus ride, all alone cause... nevermind. We'll just note that I didn't go there alone.
Then, as if to counter that, my thoughts will then race back to another time where I was on the bus again. Where it was all so, just so fantastic.
Stupid guy was so lazy, didn't wanna walk. Tsk, (:

Okay, back to stupid bus ride.
Apart from being surrounded by couples making out (no, literally),
Some really large beefy man smelling like smoke and burgers (that totally don't mix) came to sit beside me.
Totally killed my scent receptors. EW.

45mins of staring into space on the darn bus.

*

Wheelalala.
July will soon draw to a close. August will soon start.
I guess we both know what's coming ahead.
Who'm I to stop you from getting what you want, from doing what you want?
I'm glad for each time we had. But you said 'next time'.
Was that supposed to mean something? I dunno. But I know that I probably shouldn't get my hopes up.
Go ahead! Don't worry 'bout me. I'll be fine.

I'm only foolin' myself, aren't I?

*

"To be immersed in the raw ecstacy of pleasure,

to delight in its succulent enjoyment,

let your emotions flow,

and embrace the genuinity of the roar that trembles within your soul."

My head is pounding like some bass drum.
And it hurts like everything. Owwww... ):

I think I'm coming down with something, damn.
My nose kept running for 2 days already, and I sense a sore throat setting in.

OH DAMMIT.

Me has CHINESE O LEVELS ORALS TOMORROW, tell me I'm dead or not?
Sigh...-uh, I mean, *cough*

I haven't done ANY revision, whatsoever. But, I'm not too optimistic about being able to utter a single word tomorrow. Pray everything goes right.

*

Y'know what?

Just now, not too long ago, I retrieved my awesome guitar (a.k.a., the only other portable musical instrument I own other than dumb recorders and the keyboard which is currently rotting at my mum's home. Was supposed to bring it over to practice piano, but ah, shit happens.) from where I keep it behind my study table.

Originally, I wanted to play around with it for a little while, just to satisfy my sudden weird craving to pluck at strings. Hehheh :D

Until I saw this.

.
.
.
.
.



I quickly put the guitar back. This kid is awesome.

NO SHIT MAN.

I played it 3 times over and over and over, and didn't get tired of listening to him play, ever.
This is for people who haven't heard what GOOD is, yet.

NEED MORE TALENTS LIKE HIM!
(not to mention super cute kid also, hhaha xD)



"She's just a girl who
says that I am the one,
but the kid is not my son!"

Wonderful.

*

The teachers were all fantastic today. Now in my school diary, the homework space allotted for a single day is filled to past it's capacity.
How nice!

Which also means that, yeah, I'd better get back to homework.

But, haiyah. Wait la.

HAHAHAHHA darling sister dearest is so cute. Everytime she turns on her headphones, the volume goes way way way loud. Then whenever I try to talk to her, she'll shout at me her every answer cause even she can't hear herself, HAHHAHAHAHAA.

Shit I think I caught something from... sunday. *cough cough, sneeze, cough again*
omg mixed feelings hahahaha.

I really want to describe something, but I can't put the right words across to make it sound like how it really is.
...
Maybe I should just do it justice and don't even bother trying at all. Because whatever I'm going to write, it will be tonnes and tonnes of times an understatement as related to reality.
Bleargh.


I'm tired of superficial people.

*

"Fog, fog, fog, and more fog.

It's what I see as I glance out the window,

A little less than unaware of the heat within the room.

I hear thunder crash and the storm rolls over.

I remember shrugging, and running my finger over the misted glass.

A hand snakes up to capture mine,

And winds it round his waist.

I'm so sunk in you, I'm immersed."

Good news to all! :D

As you probably might have already noticed, I've changed my blogskin. :D
The old one was nice, but it was starting to get slightly dull.

Anyway, no more seeing the boring old one! :D



You guys are in luck today, cause I'm in a superb mood. Don't know why either.

Just am. (:


Went for morning swim training today, which I haven't been going for for quite some time.
Warmup was laughable. We were all 'running' cross the kiddie pool, xD
Ahh, I wanna be a kid again.

Kids see the world in a much simpler perspective. Much unlike teens and adults.
Why do we have to go and make every single damn thing so complicated?
*shakes head*

I wanna fall down the slippery slopes while hopping on one feet through the water again.
I wanna tumble over the water cannons I had been blind enough to run into.
I wanna scrape my skin on something, cause I know in the end I'll just be laughing it off because the process was so funny I just can't help it.

It's what kids do, right?

Why do they get all the carefree stuff? I hear their laughter, and I cannot detect a trace of unnaturality in it.
Whereas, there are times when I really have to squeeze my lungs just to force a laugh out. It's terrible.

Hahhaa, Jonathan should give us a set like that, someday. xD

Yadedah. Thenafter, regular trainings.
I think there's something wrong with my butterfly stroke. Irritating thing is, I just can't pinpoint WHAT IS WRONG. UGHHH.

I suddenly got into a really alcoholic mood, and started discussing wine.
Like, how to sip and taste and savour it, which type of wine is the schupar-dhupar nice ones, and the disgusting ones. heh heh. :D

BAYLEY'S. It's fantastic. If you haven't tasted it, you have no idea what you're missing.

ICE WINE too! Can't wait to be legal age to drink. :D

But, eew. I don't like beer. Tried the Tiger Beer once and puked it all out. Worst thing that went down my throat.
Never tried Heineken before, though. It's said to be the "Best beer in the world"?
Don't beers all taste the same or something?

I don't like red wine also. Has a very, raw taste.

Mmm-mm. Had to go church after training, so I was a little more dressed up than usual.
Hahah, :D

Oowah.

OH, I think I know why'm I so ecstatic now.

I GOT A PLACE IN SPORTS NUTRITION :D:D

*does a happy dance*

Means that, thursdays of my next term will end at 4pm-ish. Sigh.
But, ahwell. Still happy. (:

I was squealing around like some frantic chicken. My sister commented that I was insane.

And it's about where I get to the part that TAYKAILINHILDA has been waiting for.

TAYKAILINHILDA HILDA HILDA HILDA.

See your big name? Okay done. Now you have to put MY BIG NAME on YOUR blog too! :D
I would've decorated it in the Singapore Flag colours, but then White wouldn't have been able to be seen.


Oh wow. Today's post has been so, I dunno.
After I read it, I can't believe I just typed it.
*shrug*

Doesn't feel like myself at all.

D'you people sometimes get that really, really odd feeling inside?
The one that makes you act differently that how you really wanna be?
The one that is constantly giving excuses and procrastinating, just so you won't have to face the real thing.
The one that makes you feel temporarily sane, but which you know will come and bite at you later.
The one that will eventually make you feel guilty from running away from it all.

Y'know. The hollow, empty feeling in your gut?

Sigh.
I guess I really need to get down to doing my homework. Have not touched it at all, this weekend. Whoops. :/





I look at the habits of some people, and sometimes I think some of them are super cute.
They sub-consciously always perform the same little gestures and/or sayings that will eventually lead to something predictable of that habit.
And it's so easy to read their mind them while they're at it.

Why is it that, whenever I'm feeling really like bleargh, little things will happen such that it will make me feel so much better?
I look back, and smile at how many times it has occured. And I'm glad. (:

Well, I'll admit there are somethings that I have to apologise for.
I'm sorry, you must've been thinking a lot, too. :/
And probably most of the times, I must've been pretty oblivious also, hahaha.

Thanks for just holding on and refusing to let go, even though you were supposed to already.

The title is ripped.

My hair is tied up like some chickenbackside-cum-ninja style. I just plunked my big fat ass in front of the screen about 3 hours ago and have not left it once. 'Cept maybe to take that two subway cookies. I actually thought I was gonna be a guai kia and do parts of my homework, study and memorise the 14 functional groups for Teh, revise some chinese for the orals...

... Or just something more productive than just reading blogs.

Like, seriously! I even brought out all my thick chemisty physics biology and even the damn chinese o levels books. But sadly I didn't get down to doing anything.

Honestly, I fail at being guai. Sigh.

I think how I actually am in school, outside, at home, and even with different groups of people is very different.
For the people who know me strictly in-school-only, I bet you'd be surprised to know what I am outside of school. If I were to put it in a way, I'd say I'm very much toned down and covered up in school. However you wanna define tone-down and cover-up, it's your own problem.

'Cause in school, I'm just a normal 15-year-old who constantly talkes back to SWS just cause she gets on my nerves, falls asleep in every single class I've been in, mugs like shit before the exams, and loves the holidays to bits.

But outside, there's no end to all the hell that I can be.

'Cause outside, I'm not really your normal 15-year-old.
I talk back to SWS because she fucking gets on my nerves.
I have a fringe - that is used to cover my eyes when I fall asleep in class, though most of the time I have a jacket to do just that. But I'm just sayin'.
I mug like shit before exams cause I'm not like every other student in school, I swim about 12hours and maybe more each week. I'm not as free as you all think.
I pierced my cartilage on impulse, totally HAHAHA. Yellow advertised $5 piercings, so I went in and asked for two.
But that's only the beginning, you guys don't really need to know what I do outside school.

Y'know what?
I think being 15 is such a chore!
Whatever I do, people don't usually condone it just because, fuck you, I'm underaged.
Frustrating much?!

I hate it how some people still treat us, 15-year-olds like we're still 5-year-old kids.
Especially when they try talking in simple, often broken and repetitive english to me. Sounds like a load of bullshit, doesn't it?
I listen, *eyeroll* and *facepalm*. Please lor, my command of the english language is probably better than most of yours, can?
I mean, like, who, like, talks, like, like this? Or, some cham cham english-cheena-crap?

What's the freaking deal with SINGLISH?
Is it something for us Singaporeans to really be proud of?
Say what, machiam like rojak like that. Description, REALLY NICE, HOR.
If that's how you all want other people to look at you by, uncultured, unrefined, and uneducated, then by all means go do it to yourself. Don't drag me in.

I'm also not saying that I totally don't use singlish at all, la. Just ask my friends, they'll tell you.
But, with excessive singlish speech, don't you all realise that your writing style will be affected as such too?
I am totally DONE with reading twit-type blogs. Honestly. Y dhoo euu all wanna tok lyk dhis?
I shudder, while reading a common neighbourhood schoolkid's english essay, I really shudder.

Ugh, and what's with all the constant act cute and such? And emo? And, whatever labels you can think off. It's not too many, though, we're not in America.
Seriously. If you wanna get a nice photo, you just have to smile from your heart, and it'll be shown from the eyes. Throw on makeup if you really want it, or just darn go photoshop it, whatever. If your eyes are already smiling, anything else would just fall into place.
Rather than blatantly acting cute, fragile, and damsel-in-distress shit. Like you have no backbone and totally require guys to support you up. It just, disgusting.

Anyway, back to the kiddie thingy.
Okay, I'll say honestly, why are most parents surprised to learn that their kids have boyfriends/girlfriends from school, probably together for quite some time already, have had their first kiss, and well, I don't know. Think of other stuff yourself!
'Cause the kids know that their parents will never accept that they have a Significant Other (SO) while still in school!
What, parents know will be any good, meh? They also confirm won't allow.
And they don't even listen to the kids part of the story. Hardehaha.
Okay, okay. Granted that most of it is puppy love and all that, but really.
All that shit saying that "your parents have been teenagers once, they'll know how you feel."
Please la. Knowing how you feel doesn't mean that they will accept how you feel, right?

I'm talking this in a general context. Not saying that students should go all-out for searching for a SO and end up neglecting studies, cause that's just dumb.
Also, not saying that Primary school children should EVER have a SO. Can you imagine? I can't.

I'm talking maturity levels here.
If you're not mature enough to enter into a relationship, or if the other person is ALSO NOT mature yet, then you guys better not.
I've had enough of seeing people crash and burn in relationships just cause they rushed into it and figure out later that they cannot take the stress and commitment required in a relationship.
It's just sick, okay? Period.

Look, people, or at least normal and mature individuals, DO NOT rush into anything serious right at the start.
They give each other acceptance time, to get to know the other person well enough to begin thinking about such things. Many things have to be considered.
And then IF they get together, THEY ARE FREAKING NOT TOGETHER 24/7 CAN.
Think what? Have boyfriend/girlfriend already then everything else can forget already la?!
Oh, grow up, grow a brain, and HAVE A DAMN LIFE.

Anyway, my guess is that parents are afraid of their children getting hurt or something the sort.
Well, I can't disagree with that.
But, if parents don't let their kids grow up, and guide their kids in the process of maturing into a young lady/gentleman, then WHO ELSE WILL?

Teenage years. Added raging hormones. Plus most of the time frame spent in school. Throw in a couple of girls/guys, and excuse me, what do you think you will get?

Expected, isn't it?

People mature through relations, be it friends, family, and even SOs.
If they want to mature, at least must let them mature properly la! A couple of failed relationships isn't the end of the world.

Children look up to their parents in such things. If the parents don't explain it to them properly, then they turn to the internet, to the media.
And, it don't take an IQ of 200++ to figure out how the media portrays certain things. It's not completely healthy.

What is the end result of overly-protected children?
Not even having your first kiss at 18? It's a little, sad, isn't it.
(Of course, not saying in the context of my school. If you don't get your first kiss here, it's completely understandable.)
Being thrown out abruptly into society?

Ouch. Isn't it?

Honestly. Society has to relax a little bit on this matter, right?
(Especially when MOE starts encouraging the students to grow up and get married and the guy has to chip in to society by going out to work, while the girl does her part primarily by reproducing. Fuck that.)
Traditions are totally overdone. *eyeroll*

Nothing beats having a supportive family, yeah? :D

(But if all else fails, then I guess there is still Planned Parenthood, right? heh heh.)

Hahhaa, now I don't think you guys see me as the innocent girl-next-door already right? But really, I grew outta that a long time ago.

*

Okay, that was a longish rant, lol. It's almost 2.30am.

What're you gonna do, when the one who can stop your tears is making you cry?

Don't worry, I'm not actually crying. It's just a figure of speech to mean that, why the fuck is he being so bloody bipolar? I'm more of pissed off, really.

I shiver every time I think back. Yeah, you have that effect.
It usually starts of as a gut feeling in my stomach, that trembles up my torso and vibrates along my throat and hurricanes out of my system in a gasp.
Oh, very violently, in fact.

Oh damn I miss those times. Where I feel your taste lingers in my mouth, long afterwards.
The very same, toe-curling feeling, each and every time.

GENEVIEVE SHALL GO SLEEP EARLY TONIGHT. LIKE, BEFORE 12AM!

IS SUPER TIRED.


Chem has already started to pour in.

14 FUNCTIONAL GROUPS! :O


Well, 'tis a start, *yawn*